JOKES

[Jonesy]

Theres been a few jokes floating around lately so figured we may as well have a thread for them
Just remember to use your common sense as anyone could be reading


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to
satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I
am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different
very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her
we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so
I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to
the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like
it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows
I'm smarter than her.

[Mr_Willy]

Thats a beauty!!

[wes80]

an olden but a gooden

[adon]

Nice one mate!

How's this one I read last night

A preacher was riding his bicycle down the street when he came across a boy selling his lawnmover on the curb.

The preacher said to the boy: "How much do you want for that lawnmower my son?" The boy replied "enough to buy a bicycle preacher". The preacher thought to himself that he didn't need a bike and his lawnmower was broken so he said "how about we trade my bike for your mower?" The boy asked if he could ride the bike around for a test, the preacher agreed and after a short ride the boy agreed to the deal.

As the boy rode away the preacher tried to start the mower and after pulling the rope several times he called to the boy, " this mower doesn't start!" The boy turned around and replied "you have to cuss at it to start it!" The preacher says," I am a preacher! It has been years since I have cussed at anything!!" The boy says"just keep pulling that rope it will all come back to ya!"

[BC68]

F*cking pisser Jonesy

[Weaver]

Jonesie, jonesie, jonesie, i like it mate, gold,gold,gold.

Now take her to the tackle store and blow some real do.

[tednted]

Good one Jonesy
I sent this one in to that other site! but there may be a few here that didnt see it


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?'



The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I
think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know
five things:



1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot
tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman
sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady
to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.



'Now, think
about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'



The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Jonesy]

Gotta love blonde jokes

[BC68]

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," the chick replied "but all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it." "Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!

[BC68]

Three men died on Christmas Eve in an accident following a wild Office Party and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said,” You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on."It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[BC68]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Ray]

keep em coming fellas...

[mallee]

Two people in the bed going for it when a car comes up the driveway, the lady said "quick it hubby, jump out the window".

With saying that a small voice from the end of the bed said "give me $20.00 or I will tell dad"
The bloke gives him $20.00 and go's out the window.

A few days later the young bloke is playing up and the mum said "you norty boy I will now have to take you to the church to confess you sins".

She takes him to the church and puts him in the confession box.
The window slides open and the young bloke said "Hi it me back again Father"

Father them said "what! have you spent that $20.00 already"

[Jonesy]

[BC68]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names"
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"